06/24/2024

Hello! My name is Viihna and I am VERY EASILY DISTRACTED. I've only started working on learning to code again in the last fuckin' 24 hours. At that point, I realized that I have forgotten almost everything I learned about JavaScript when I first started trying back in March. I wish I was kidding. Like, I still remember the basic concepts I've learned so far but actually remembering proper syntax and like...ANY useful methods or other JS functionality. Well, mostly. I still remember how to console.log() all my frustrations and pain. I can select elements of my webpages with .getElementById or .getElementByClass (I THINK that is a thing? I'm not even sure) just so I can wonder what the fuck I wanted to do with them once I had them in my hands lmao. Oh, well. I'm gonna try some more slow, steady work this time, because I'm pretty sure the 8-12 hours a day I was pulling before was not exactly helping. Some time after hour 5-6 it started feeling like I was just "there" and not really absorbing the info as much as I was just vibing my way through the process. Probably better for me to pace myself and not just blow my fuckin' load in a month all over again.

For now, it's back to basics. I'm just making a simple "To Do List" web app. I wanted to make it mobile, but, well, I'm apparently a masochist and choose to stay in Apple's walled-garden ecosystem. And I don't have a Mac. So I really don't even know how to get something on the App Store. I might try spinning up an Android VM later on to see if I can develop that version. First thing's first, I should prob pick up a cheap Android.

On this note I am apparently the queen of dumbasses. I need a new phone badly. Thought real long and hard (lol) about getting a Google Pixel or an Android. But nah, decided to get the most expensive, flashy iPhone possible. I have no idea how I can simultaneously be such a huge advocate for the FOSS movement and keep myself locked into the most restrictive digital environment I could possibly fine. I will never claim to make complete sense, because I rarely do. I'm just trying to get by lmao.

Moving on to other shit, got some news that my uncle might be moving back into town. We used to play music and hang out all the fuckin' time when we lived close to each other before. He was the first person to ever show me the basics about playing guitar back when I was 12. Honestly, he's always felt more like a brother than anything else. It really sucked when he moved away a few years ago. Never saw that fucker for years and when he bought a house with his gf, she turned on him hard. It was difficult talking to him on the phone and hearing what that mf'er was doing to his head. I'm just glad that chapter is almost over for him. And HOLY FUCK maybe we can write and play some music together again like we used to. I'm super stoked about that possibility. Fingers crossed!

I'm not gonna make promises about timelines for updates or anything. All I can say with any conviction is that I'm gonna start spending at least a half hour or so each day working on more actual site updates. I've got a PILE of ideas I need to get working on, but with my coding work weighing on my mind for over a month (or has it been 2 months now?) it always felt like something I was "allowed" to do once I actual wrote some JavaScript. Which I wasn't doing. Because I had no idea what else to make that seemed FEASIBLE WHATSOEVER. I think I've got a better approach now, though. Small, consistent bursts of work daily or as close to daily as I possibly can instead of trying to turn it into a marathon. ALWAYS FEEL LIKE I'M CATCHING UP TO THE DECADE OF MY LIFE I SPENT WITH UNDIAGNOSED DEPRESSION DOING NOTHING BUT BIDING MY TIME WISHING I WAS DEAD. GodDAMN I wasted so much time. And I feel like if I don't work at 3x speed I'll never get anywhere before I'm "too old" for it to matter, even though I realize that logically THIS MAKES NO SENSE LMAO. I don't feel suicidal anymore, just so ya know. Well, like 99% of the time. Life still gets hard, but it doesn't feel hopeless. Or like I should just give up.

Sorry for getting heavy there, it's just a part of me I've gotta deal with. Learning to love myself has not been a linear experience. It's like a roller coaster, but it IS trending up, so that's enough for me. Just gotta keep working.

Before I go, I need to say something important. If you're reading this and you relate to any of that dark shit I just blurted out, listen for a sec. I know it sounds like bullshit, but SHIT ACTUALLY CAN GET BETTER AND IT WILL. But don't try to do it alone. And find the good in yourself and zoom in on it. Don't ignore the bad, but don't let it define you either. Just use those things as ideas for places to improve yourself. A really important lesson I've learned over the last few months is this - envision who you want to be. Not who you THINK you can be, but an absolutely IDEAL you. Imagine how they would act and what they would do. Now, try to pick a trait or a behavior and make effort to change what you do, make it more like your idealized self. It's not a quick process. One piece at a time. But GOD it helps.

Also, if you ever need someone to talk to, shoot me a message. Or an email. Or anything. Check my contact page and pick a way :)

Well, that's all for my unfiltered brain dump. Stay fresh, cheese bags, and I'll see y'all again soon.

Viihna

- 06/24/2024