I don't even know where to begin. Well, 2025 happened. I was addicted to prescription amphetamines and going through constant crash/abuse cycles and using the energy and focus to escape into programming and nothing else. My relationship of 15 years was falling apart for reasons that were both within our control and not (kinda hard to see the long-term compatability of a grey asexual gay man [him] and a hypersexual firebrand lesbian [me]). I won't get into the exact details of how that went down. I'm not here to put him on blast. But obviously, the ending of a 15 year relationship is devastating.
I guess before I get much farther into this I should mention a humongous milestone - I started mtf HRT on 04/15/2025. I had barely even played around with passing in public more than a few times. But this was when I finally started to figure myself out. I started with a month of monotherapy because I feared spironolactone would have unwanted. But estrogen on its own put me in a very strange space mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I felt like a missile trying to launch but forget how to ignite. Then in late May or early June I started spiro.
When I began spiro, things changed so goddamn much. None of the weird side effects I was afraid of, and EVERYTHING began to fall into place. I finally felt like myself. It was complicated. With T in my system, most of my feelings resolved, vaguely, to anger or sadness. With E and spiro I started digging underneath them. My soul and my head began feeling clear. I began unwrapping my entire life all over again. And I had a musical epiphany that absolutely changed my life and became an inflection point. I'll have to get into that on the music page when I finally update it.
But I should realy get back to the end of my relationship for a moment. When he left I had to rebuild my entire sense of identity. I was the most terrified and lost I've been in my entire life. Strangely enough I picked up the pieces rather quickly and reassembled myself. I remember vividly - October 18th. I went to a band with my friends/bandmates Tommy and Matt. Chum, specifically. Regional legends. But we went and I was devastated from the turmoil of my recent breakup. By the end of the night I noticed the loss of my ex also meant something else - freedom. I didn't have to think about how every single decision would affect this person anymore; this person who, unknowingly or not, created an environment - an aura - where I was constantly stifled. I always had to shrink. Fold. Not be too much. My existential joy was humor to him. My magic was just...funny to him.
Melody