As usual, life is fucking crazy. I went ahead and archived my old journals. I'll drag them back eventually but for right now, I don't feel like being constantly reminded of that version of myself. My old self was drowning in addiction, giving away her entire self for a loveless, passionless, sexless relationship of 15 years that honestly should have ended at 5 years max.
I feel like since my ex left on September 30th, I've been forced onto a journey to re-assemble and redefine myself from scratch. I gave every part of me to try and save what was there, and when it was finally gone I had nothing left. No idea who I was. So I've finally starting living. I used to hide from the world. And I've stopped that. But all my unfulfilled wishes and desires are catching up to me and kicking my ass because I still don't know how to get what I fuckin' want. I used to think if I had more attention and people that clearly want access to me in any number of ways, if I could just become a hot enough bitch, if I finally stopped questioning myself into the dirt, then shit would become simple.
Well. That was bullshit. I've done all that. I know who I am. I know my worth. I know what I want. But now I'm beginning to wonder if it's even possible. Or if it even exists. I'm surrounded by people and attenton of every kind. None of it reaches me. I don't know. I'm lonely. Not the kind that a single night would ever solve for more than a little while. I'm craving more than I'm even ready to receive. The joy of being a hopeless romantic with a heart still bleeding from the last wounds - I want something terribly that, even in the most ideal conditions, I could not accept at this point in my life. Sometimes I feel broken.
Lately I've been at the end of my rope for many reasons. I want out of this shitty apartment and to have my own space to myself again. I can't even have friends or anyone else over - too many people living in this little shitbox and not enough space for me to even feel comfortable myself. My rent just increased by 60% and my new landlord is a complete dick. The terms of my new lease are INSANE. I'm very thankful my roommate is willing to just take over the rest of this lease BECAUSE IF I DON'T GET OUT OF HERE SOON I AM GOING TO BLOW MY FUCKING HEAD OFF.
Despite it all I still wake up every day and find reasons to smile. I'm not the same woman that used to isolate herself and bury her life in code and amphetamines. I'm clean now (Cali sober - I don't even drink anymore!). I participate in my own life - LOUD AND MESSY. I refuse to be flattened or silenced anymore. I respect and love myself in a way I never thought possible. I know I will not only survive this arc of my life - I AM GOING TO LIVE IT AT 200% THE WHOLE TIME BABY. Even when that means it hurts more. I WILL NOT go back into that grey hell of a prison I built around myself for so many years.
Damn. It's good to finally be alive. For the first time since I was a kid. And this time I earned that shit. I fought for that magic, grace, and wonder. And I guess ima keep being the world's horniest gremlin in the meantime.
Melody
- 05/12/2024